somehow, it has all faded away
im trying to find back what ive lost

i dnt knw who am i.
i may be wearing a mask, but i cant fool myself

HA HA i dnt knw wht to say?
i finally realised how dumb i am after so long.
and thanks for keeping me in the dark (:


am super confused now
my parents are quarelliung from day to night
and yinzhi side is so luan rahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

cant ocncentrate on homework at all
and i wna give up eveyrthing
including church.


im sick of it already, really
i hate putting on brave fronts. i hate having to post happy posts on my public blog when im not.
i hate acting like nothing has happened at all.

for nenque, i admit tht its my fault.
but i think shes also a lil too sensitive also.
but hais, i cant voice it out.
i seem to lost the ability to express myself, about how i feel.

and for nenque (her char), when shes unhappy about certain stuffs, maybe she can bottle them up for a few days, but thts her limit
then she'll start blabbering everything out and say super hurting words.
and when a person apologises, she acts as if nothing has happened and keep =)

I REALLY REALLY DNO WHT TO DO
i just know tht im very stressed, VERYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
my heartttttttttttt ahhhhhhhhh
i cant write in on my pm, cant write it on my blog
i cant do anything
i just feel so helpless i dont wna cut myself either

hah he says he feels rotton and he knows tht he cant forget easily
so why say such stuffs its making me really i dnt know how to say ahhhhhhhh

PATIENCE - TAKE THAT
ROCKS TOTALLY
IT CAN RELIEVE STRESSSSSSSS

CAUSE I NEEEED TIME, HAVE A LIL PATIENCE
my heart is numb has no feeling so while im still healing
just try
and have a lil patience


.... i cant forget, afterall


o1o1o7
the day my heart broke.
i dont know if i can fix it back, the scar seems to be so deep.

well as expected, they got back tgt alr.
yep, hah.
he told me to stay happy.
and bcos of tht, i cant express how i feel.

i wna be who i really am. i dnt wna lie to myself, anymore.
im sick of this mask.
i cant fool myself.

i blog happy stuffs to let pple know tht im always cheerful?
let him know im doing really fine now.

when actually really i still cant forget everthing
i can laugh so loudly like a lunatic, and when i come home and cool down
and start thinking, am i living for myself?

im not even who i am now, i dont even know who am i
i dont know my character at all
who am i
WHO AM I

im trying to be strong, i DONT WANT TO THINK
really glad tht i know him as a friend
but i hope we didnt develop our friendship furthur
perhaps those memories would be more memorable

its disturbing me alot. hes doing well, i can tell
yinzhi's really happy now yep i can tell
she cant live without him

i have to give up, cos i can live without him, i can live for god.
its just the time that matters.
and her words, are HURTING
stinging hah.

am sitting in the front row now, whts the pnt theres no difference
i cant concentrate anyhow


let those fake smiles fade away;

the more you love the person, the more hurt you'll be
how true is it, hah.




omg
just tell me whts wrong
have i done anything to offend them?
or is it bcos she thought she lost tk due to me?

hais.
words do hurt, they really do.
she've said enough to hurt me.
why, why is there another time?
can someone tell me?

i dont know what have i done wrong.
i put my msn pm as 'lets play pretend.'
and then yinzhi came to talk to me, she asked me if which days were i free to go out.
so i told her im not free this year.
and then she zzz, nevermind.
i can accept.

and then a few minutes later, huilin came and talk to me.she asked me the same thing.
so i said next year? but got sch
then she was like glad you knw got sch
then i was like uhhuh.
then she was like so how?

aiya then i spotted her pm.
she change to 'camera tricks. just like wad yinzhi say'
then yinzhi pm is 'stop it! fcuker.'
then aft a while i changed my pm to 'all day'
she said ' your tricks dont work on me' at her pm

hais i dont want to write back, i dont want to pick a fight
but the anger inside me is building each time she hurt me
im really afriad one day i cant stand the pressure and start to fight with her.
ARGH.

please god, let me be more open hearted.
be more accepting.
dont let me fall into that trap.
amen.


i really dont know what to do now.
i tried asking my mother yesterday if i can go out tmrw to celebrate x'mas.
but bcos i have dental in the morning, then i dont know if i can make it for the xmas celebration.
and the xmas celebration is 3pm.

christmas is once every year.
and if i miss it this time, i have to wait for 365days.
i dont know why im crying now.
ive asked god, asked god to help me.
i dont know i just want to go I WANT TO GO I REALLY WANT.

i shall not weep, cos crying doesnt help.
i shall be strong, bcos im sure god will find a way for me.
i trust you, god.

you have helped me so many times, let me please you for once again.
im sure you wont disappoint me.
i love you, god.


im really delighted.
my parents agreed to let me put on braces.
really wanna thank god.
like what sarah told me,
; if we really want smth, god will give it to us. god will de '
i believe in that.

1timothy[7-14] or smth i cant rmb X:
dont let others look down on you cos you are young. but lead believers. eg, in friendship, love in faith and purity :)

this is what my sheperd told me. i might be young now, but i'll work hard to become a sheperd (:


i just told my sheperd i wanna have patience.
yet now, its really unbearable.
i cant stand her!
AHHHH, can someone help me?
i feel like crying.
i dont know why.
perhaps bcos i cant fufil my promise what i have told god?
i told god i wanna be more patient.
yet am raising my voice at her again.

really, i really cant stand it.
I CANT.
shes always driving me crazy.
i really want to be nice to her.
hais.
i feel so helpless.

my sheperd just told me to be strong.
i will, and continue to have patience!


bloghopped at fellow churchmates blog.
really admire them, they can go to church.
i really wanna show my parents that i have difference.
i wanna be more patient, do my work dilligently.
so one day, they'll accept my conversion.
i believe that day will come.
like what my sheperd said, we have the special thing in us.
because we are god's child.
we just have to show our parents.

jsut a while ago, i got so irritated with my mother.
but a minute ago, i read my sheperd's blog and what she assuerd me.
and then at that point of time, my mother came in and asked me to help her hang stuff.
i dont know what gave me the strength, i just went ahead and help.
i didnt feel irritated like how i was just now.
just imagine, how god great can be.

its bcos of you, mygod, i'll only ever give my all.
i will keep the passion going, bcos of you, God.

ARCHIVES(my old personal blog):
gone gone, all goneDec 2006


LINKS:
public blog
silerlife
rachelfong
tidal


layout: ambivalente
brushes: moargh